While pondering about what to write next i realized that perhaps a little bit of background could be helpful. Perhaps helpful for me to see my patterns of behavior and thinking.
Couple of years ago when i approached my thirties i realized that maybe my life situation is not the way i was thinking it would be when i was eighteen. I also noticed that everything i dreamed about somehow disappeared or became less important. My life was automatic. I switched off Me and turned on the autopilot that was driving me from day to day. I wasn’t excited about anything anymore. I was bored at work, i was bored with my friends and family and i did not see any way out.
Somehow i thought the reason was the environment I was in. I was a victim of an environment where i could not express myself freely, was I telling myself. There were too few possibilities, there were too few opportunities, there were too few good jobs, there were too few good men, there were too few good parties … so many too fews! I was watching life passing me by and wished so much to live! Oh, but little did i know that few years ahead, in a completely different place, different country, i would still feel the same. See, no matter where i go i am always taking myself along. There I am, stuck again with my thoughts.
I moved to Denmark and stayed there for a little more than 2 years. At the beginning it was exciting. Meeting new people and discovering the new culture was keeping me busy for a while. But soon same old patterns and thoughts prevailed and I was stuck again. Stuck in an everyday life that i did not like. I wished to be somewhere else again. Somewhere where people were less boring, less closed and less diffident to foreigners, somewhere …. somewhere away from myself! How can i not see it that all the time the problems are inside my head and not around me?
I want to break from the circle this time. I want to take the responsibility of my life and turn it around the way i WANT it to be.